User talk:DraculaBathory
EmpyrealInvective (talk) 15:10, June 21, 2017 (UTC) Re: Story There were quite a lot of issues so this review will only touch base on a few of them as there's quite a lot to review here. I suggest using the writer's workshop for your next story (link above) as these issues really weigh down the overall writing. Formatting: This is how your story was laid out: "kept warm by fireplace that lay proudly in the middle of view as one walks into the room. The girl laid on a leather sofa which was placed in front of the fire, resting her filth, covered feet on the arm of the sofa. Above the fire place was a painting which I took to be one of H.R Giger’s and either side of" There really isn't any need to cut off lines like that or to cut off sentences mid-line with a full space: "These collected papers are my evidence of the Cult known as the Bathory and my evidence for why they need to be investigated" Additionally a number of paragraphs are very blocky due to being Awkward wording: "they seemed to impede fatigue rather than provide energy like one might have anticipated and they out before I went fencing rendering me more fatigued did wear then I was before I took said pills.", "Upon entering(comma missing) the blonde girl led me into a living room kept warm by fireplace that lay proudly in the middle of view as one walks into the room.", "Upon the exodus of Elizabeth from the house Alice played a record on a gramophone that was sitting on a mahogany table next to the window and then a grainy and almost static sounding version of the second movement of Franz Schubert piano trio no 2 in e flat major filled the room.", etc. I suggest reading the story aloud to yourself and when you stumble on a phrase, generally that section should be re-worked to improve story flow. Wording issues: "I know this might seem unusual but I’m going to use you to record thing I notice about the new people in that house.", "I was greeted by a scruffy, barefoot, blonde girl who “what do you want “", "However, force does not hold me unfortunately (not sure what you're trying to say here) as the tall rank breathed (rank-breathed) man informed me that the scream I had heard that nigh (sic) is the woman the newspapers are talking about.", "And then he proceeded to file my canines in to fangs causing me great agony as I felt the melt rub against my teeth causing he then said that once this is over with one of the Bathory is a dentist whom would remove my canines and place in fake ones and the suffering was a part of the ritual", etc. Punctuation: Punctuation improperly used in dialogue. "she said(comma/colon missing)”(space needed) fencing(Fencing) is a sport where mind and body must be made to work in unison and such sport leads to greater mastery overall.(quotation missing)", "who (said,/:) “what(What) do you want (?)“", "call out saying(,) “let (Let) him enter and tell him to remove his shoes”", "Then Alice said to her friend in German(,/:) (")du (Du) kannst jetzt gene Elizabeth(comma and quotation missing)", etc. As your story is mainly epistolary, I would suggest looking over the original Bram Stoker's 'Dracula' as it shows how to handle dialogue properly in an epistolary format. Punctuation issues cont.: Apostrophes missing from possessive words. "Mimi Potter(')s Diary January 10". Punctuation missing from sentences where needed. "it was set against the blood red sky cause by the setting sun(.) Upon knocking on the door", ". She has(comma missing) I must solemnly report(comma missing) been killed by Alice’s wolfhound whom ripped out her throat.", "Once inside(,) I was taken into the vestry where a figure in a black robe stripped me down and painted in black paint an upside-down ankh with a pointed bottom which pointed up to my throat and mouth whilst the circle part was at my solar plexus.", etc. As a general rule of thumb, while reading the story aloud, places where you generally hit a pause require punctuation of some sort. Redundancy: Avoid re-using words multiple times in the same sentence. "As I walked home along the streets lit by old lamp posts making my way up the hill to my home." (You use home twice), "I was taken by Alice’s butler to the old church in the abandoned village east of mine, the church stands as a monument to entropy the graves are all covered in vines and falling over and the church’s roof can only barely be called that anymore" (You repeat the word church 3 times in a single sentence), etc. Run-on/overly complex sentences: "It has been nine days since I received my diagnosis and it is now the day when I would normally go to my fencing club at the village hall which I did go to this evening I however, could not for obvious reasons fight quite as effectively as I did in the past but at least I know why I am afflicted with this continuous state of fatigue.", "Before I settled in for the night Alice gave me an iron goblet with an ankh engraved on it and filled with a crimson, viscous liquid which she told we would help prevent a hangover in the morning, as I had been drinking absinthe, she insisted I drink at first, she was pleasant like a caring mother but after I had refused I could see her face start to contort as it often does when in anger so I excepted (sic).", etc. Story issues: There are other mechanical issues here, but this review is getting a bit on the long side so I'm just going to ignore the other issues and move onto the plot. The framing device is lacking. How did they get their hands on this material? Who is this person and what is their ultimate goal? There's very little plot here that might gel to the main story. We basically get a one sentence introduction and a few sentences for a conclusion ("That is the last of the papers that I have collected(period missing) I hope that anyone reading them realises the threat this cult poses.") that don't really add an effective end to the story and seem added on. Story issues cont.: A lot of the latter entries feel lacking. Take this one for example: "Alice visited me this evening and gave me a glass of ort (Ort) whilst she informed me as to what is going on. She told me “I have had you brought here to give you a gift the secret of why that and how that liquid rejuvenated you. It is a secret that my companions hold and do not take the manner in which we keep you personally it is of the same method we use to keep all of us loyal to each other. Now if you want to be free and hold the same over me as I do over you I will need you to do something for me however, I shall explain more to you at the church tomorrow night." If the protagonist is writing these events as they happen, would't they write/include a reaction to this information? Remember the most important factor in writing in an epistolary form is to make the content and characters believable. Story issues final: There are other plot issues here, but this is the main one. For being written in modern times, a lot of these entries feel extremely over-written and prose-y. Lines like: "The reason why today has left such a dark impression upon my soul is due to the information my doctor had solemnly told me this morning which was that I am afflicted with a chronic fatigue illness." and "Before I settled in for the night Alice gave me an iron goblet with an ankh engraved on it and filled with a crimson, viscous liquid which she told we would help prevent a hangover in the morning, as I had been drinking absinthe, she insisted I drink at first, she was pleasant like a caring mother but after I had refused I could see her face start to contort as it often does when in anger so I excepted" really break story immersion here. I know you're trying to evoke a style similar to Bram Stoker's Dracula (you even referenced characters with their names), but setting it in modern times and trying to keep the overly flowery dialogue really detracts from the story. If you plan on making a deletion appeal, I would strongly suggest re-writing this from the ground up as there are a lot of fundamental issues here. Best of luck with your future writing, feel free to let me know if there's anything else I can help with. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 16:08, June 21, 2017 (UTC) :No problem. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 14:00, June 25, 2017 (UTC) Re: View Thanks for the request, I'll try to give it a review when I get some time to sit down and fully commit to reading/reviewing. Unfortunately I got quite a bit on my plate at the moment so it may take a couple of days. I hope you understand. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 16:09, June 28, 2017 (UTC) :Actually, I just saw that Christian left some really good advice on the story. I can give your revised edition a second review as adding on to his would only serve to point out the same things over again. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 16:19, June 28, 2017 (UTC) ::Thanks for understanding. Everything is going good, the things I have to attend to are happy occasions (job interviews, visiting with friends, and some minor volunteering), but they are things that will require my full attention so I'm glad you got some feedback. Grammarly is a good site to use for catching errors. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 19:28, June 28, 2017 (UTC)